"Here's the Story..." of Disappearing Theme Songs

A joke from The Ellen Degeneres Show reminded me of an issue that used to bug the heck out of me. No, it was nothing political, nothing social, nothing along those lines. Ellen was talking about the phasing out of TV theme songs.

“We don’t have time to sit through anything. Sitcoms… when I was growing up, there were full-on theme songs,” said the three-piece-suit-clad comedienne. “Now the songs before a show starts are just ‘bah bow!’ and then they’re in the kitchen talking.”

Degeneres makes the point that viewers’ attention spans are too short to focus on theme songs anymore. If the opening credits last longer than ten seconds, we’ve already changed the channel.

I, too, once thought the lack of decently-lengthed theme songs was some kind of conspiracy. Perhaps a negative reflection of our postmodern society and its severe ADD.

But the real reason, according to writers Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, creators of How I Met Your Mother, is that TV shows themselves are getting shorter, and commercial breaks are getting longer, so every second of airtime is precious.

That’s why the 12-second opening to How I Met Your Mother got cut down to six seconds for syndication. It’s also where shows like Gilmore Girls and 30 Rock got their quick-witted reputations.

"30 Rock's fast-talking style comes from the fact that our show needs to be two and a half minutes longer than it is,” said creator/writer Tina Fey. “I'm trying to fit five pounds' worth of ideas into a two-pound bag."

Timing issues aren’t a new problem for the television industry, but oddly enough, the concern used to be filling up the time.

Actors Bob Denver and Dawn Wells were such fast talkers that episodes of Gilligan’s Island frequently came up too short. Likewise, editors on The Monkees sometimes made such tight cuts to the episodes that the boys had to film spontaneous interviews at the end to fill up the extra time. Ever watch The Andy Griffith Show? Man, they talked slooooow down in Mayberry, didn’t they? Their scripts were deliberately written shorter so that the slow-talking, Southern-drawled actors could pause and speak at their natural pace.

“When we did shows that had (musical) entertainment in it… it also made it a lot easier on the writer,” said Carl Reiner, creator/writer of The Dick Van Dyke Show. “We used to have to write 27 minutes of show, and when you had three or four musical numbers, you only had to write about 16 minutes of show.”

Comedies today run about 21 and a half minutes long. And in all that time, the writers have to introduce the main plot and subplots, make the characters debate, feature some false highs or false lows, throw in a few twists, and arrive at a decent conclusion, sometimes tying a lesson from the subplot in with the main plot. Oh yeah, and it all has to be funny. With that kind of a time crunch, it’s no surprise theme songs are getting nixed to make room for more story.

With this knowledge in mind, I’m kind of astounded by any modern show that still does a traditional theme song, the kind that’s lengthy enough to credit the cast. Most series today have brief segments featuring only the title and the creators’ names, but there are still a few, like 30 Rock and The Office, that manage to fit all the actors’ names in too. Kind of gives me a new appreciation for these shows, like they’re upholding the integrity of the theme song, carrying on the tradition and all that jazz.

Remember the old days when sitcom intros explained the premise to you? Such as, “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale / A tale of a fateful trip / That started on this tropic port / Aboard this tiny ship.” It explained the whole show to you. The song not only sums up why these random people are on a desert island together, it also goes on to name every character as it credits the actors, so the audience gets a formal introduction to each castaway (well, except for the first season, when the Professor and Mary Ann were merely "the rest").

Or how about, “Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Jed / A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed / And then one day he was shooting at some food / And up through the ground come a bubblin’ crude”? So right away, on the audience’s first viewing, they understand why hicks like the Clampetts are living in a mansion in Beverly Hills, clearly out of their element. (Here's a link.)

I guess theme songs used to be more important then than they are now. From the beginning of television until the end of the sixties, the theme song dial had two settings—instrumental and “tell the story.”

Probably one of the most famous “tell the story” TV openings was on The Brady Bunch. “Here’s the story / Of a lovely lady / Who was bringing up three very lovely girls…” The fact that the Bradys were a mixed family was never spoken of after episode one, but viewers always had the theme song to remind them.

And who doesn’t love the beginning of Green Acres, another classic “tell the story” theme? Duh-dut-duh dah dah, the chores! Duh-dut-duh dah dah, the stores!

I could go on and on. There’s also Mr. Ed, The Patty Duke Show, Petticoat Junction, and The Addams Family, to name a few.

But these days, sitcoms don’t require the extra storytelling element that song lyrics and clips from the show provide. Traditional theme songs have mostly been kicked to the curb because time is limited.

The first time it really hit me that opening credits were getting shorter, I was watching a short-lived ABC sitcom called Odd Man Out, starring Erik von Detten. The intro showed von Detten standing by himself and suddenly being encircled by the show’s female characters (‘cause he’s the “odd man out,” you see). From start to finish, the thing was fifteen seconds long. And there wasn’t anyone singing words; it was a guy going “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.” I thought, “My goodness, that was the crappiest theme song I’ve ever seen!” It was 1999 – the beginning of the end.

Maybe I’ve just always had an unnatural affection for theme songs. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but there was a time when if I had missed the first minute of Who’s the Boss?, I wouldn’t even bother watching the episode. “Brand New Life,” paired with those cute clips of Tony Danza and Judith Light, was my favorite part of the show. (I've realized since that the actual episodes are way cuter than the theme song.)

But intros are more than just music and clips. Today’s sitcoms, with their short, lyric-less themes, are missing out on a chance to make history. What TV fan will ever forget the classic image of Mary Tyler Moore tossing her tam in a Minneapolis intersection? And who doesn't recognize the hook from the theme song to Friends? Are any of today's theme songs long enough to be memorable?

Okay. I admit. How I Met Your Mother’s theme song is insanely catchy. And it’s only 12 seconds long.

So maybe I’m overreacting.

Maybe.

I guess I can't blame sitcoms for ditching the theme song motif. They need all the time they can get. Still, I miss the little tykes. The scenes made me smile, and I’d rather have joy than more advertisements any day! But you can’t fight progress. So, as we say goodbye to the theme song era, let us take a moment to bow our heads and listen to one of my favorites—Welcome Back, Kotter. An ironic farewell indeed…